到了最后关头，自己已经快要离开了，原本以为可以安心地去“度假”，没想到......
我已经无话可说，不管我说什么，也只似一位老百姓和秦始皇说道理，于事无补。
我有什么让你这么不满意，就直接告诉我，为何像一只缩头乌龟在远方以恶言重伤我？

人性就是如此可笑。

我感激，我感激有这么多人在旁一直支持我、鼓励我、安慰我。但是，我的良心总告诉我，我没有颜面去面对他们。

他们一直面对我，无怨无悔，但是我却什么事都不会做，只知道在那儿不断埋怨。我良心对不起他们，而他们一次又一次地包容我，更是让我心寒。

当初都是因为我，因为我的天真，促成这个大错。现在他对我的百般关心，我更是愧疚。你们好歹也骂一下我，打我也行，为何总是对我那么好、那么迁就？

我真的好累好累。

我感到好疲惫，感觉自己像是要崩塌了一样。但试问人们，眼睁睁地看着一个美满的希望琉璃被无情地敲碎，谁会甘心？

一次又一次地挣扎，一次又一次地想挣脱。原本看似理所当然的事，却因为自己的疏忽，而变成世上一大笑话。

她这样不分青红皂白地乱骂，在那儿血口喷人，有的也讲，没的也讲。她到底想证明什么？自己很会骂人？自己判断人的眼光一定是对的？凡是她说的都是对的，而我说的都是垃圾、简直是一派胡言？

人家总说我没有心平静和地说话，所以才会吃闭门羹，但我到底要说多少次，我想尝试、应该尝试、也已尝试了，但换回来的，是一次又一次地失败、一次又一次的“教诲”？

桌老师说的对，现在的人，都不愿意聆听。不愿意聆听，我还能接受，因为有时人们都会烦恼，不聆听是正常的。但是让我可恨的是，人们竟不愿意相信自己是错的。就算把他人逼上绝路，也不愿意相信错在于自己，丝毫愧疚感都没有。

好，我承认这些所发生的所有所有，我部分上有责任，但是以一事评一人，未免太可笑了吧？！

我只是想陪你说话，不想让你感到寂寞，你竟说我是在那儿说垃圾？随我心已碎，我仍放开胸怀，尝试接受你，尝试让你接受我，我却被当成是外人。

还记得那时候，记得那一刻，你说你不要我这女儿了，你说你没有我这种不像样的女儿。你说要把此事刊登上报，公诸于世，唯恐天下不知。

我眼眶里的泪水，你看到了吗？我心里流的血，你看到了吗？我无声的哭泣，歇斯底里地想呐喊却又被逼憋在心里，你感受到吗？

你曾说过我每次都是假哭，只为让你心软，不要惩罚我。我不明白。

在你眼里我是那么虚伪吗？在你眼里每个人都是虚伪的，更不用说你女儿？！

But at the same time I also find out that there is someone who is there for me. Which makes me feel even worse. He has been trying so hard just for me, yet there is nothing I can do to stop all this nonsense. Thanks for being there for me, I totally understand your heart, but...there is really nothing I can do about it.

I am sorry. Really sorry. Yet no words of apology can express how guilty I feel towards you right now.

WHAT
THE
HELL.

I am so freaking concerned for someone, I desperately try to find out what the fuck is wrong, and this is what I get.

THIS is what I freaking get.

Do we still appear in her eyes? Are we still of any value to her?

Never felt so desperate for a long time. First time I cried this month. Towards the end of November just something must happen. And Ms Chua said something about me being less emotional=.=

DOES ANYONE EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT THIS MEANS? DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT FREAKING MEANS? Yes to you all this is normal. But I don't know why, it is like a catastrophe, I do not get this.

Maybe I have to isolate myself from you people. Being with you people is like adding a burden. I am sorry, but I just cannot take it. Isolation may do no good, but at least.

Grounded. Sucky.

Why is my mum so unsociable?

And she wants to go back to Malaysia again with the situation there now. And she is aware of it.

Is she mad or what? Why must she do this to me out of everything? Even going downstairs for 5 minutes requires her utmost attention. As if I am supposed to be tied to her using a rope 24/7.

Fight for freedom not. She will never agree.

EDIT: What Su Hang and Uly brings about is catastrophe.

I must freaking document this.

Whenever I am in Malaysia, there will occasionally be some power failures at my area, but usually the electricity will be back within 6 hours (yes 6 hours).

Today, the electricity has been cut for more than 13 hours (yes 13 hours).

Am I supposed to be happy or what, now that this power failure made my mum decided to come back to Singapore? =)

Maybe yes. Or no.

Ten minutes of blackout in Singapore would make it to the headlines. 13 hours of blackout in Malaysia seems like everyday life. Get the difference?

I think I am thinking too much. At least not that much when I am online, but still.

God damn.
2 dolphins and 2 presents meant for someone have been confiscated. Fuck.

CAN'T I EVEN FUCKING GIVE PRESENTS TO MY BEST FRIEND?
FUCK.
I DO NOT GET HER AT ALL.
NOW THE POOR DOLPHINS HAVE TO SUFFER UNDER HER BED FOR ONE MONTH.
God damn it.

FINE I CAN'T FUCKING GIVE PRESENTS TO MY FRIENDS. THEN STOP TALKING ABOUT HOW GOOD YOUR FRIENDS WERE AND HOW MUCH MINE SUCK.

F*** off damn you.

All this seems like bullshit to me. SEE SO WHAT IF I FUCKING IMPROVED? NOTHING CHANGES. NOTHING. Yay me.

I officially announce that I also like dolphins other than cats.

Forgive me for my boredom (once more).

1. Start Time: 9.21 PM (Hello comp clock)

2. Name: (Name of what?)

3. Nickname: (Nickname of what?)

5. Sex: If considering with YS, probably (please note the word "probably")
6. Age: (Age of what?)
8. Eye color: Black
9. Height and weight: Ok I give up asking for what. The school measuring instruments suck.
10. Favourite colour(s): White, Black, Blue (I added the (s) thingo)
11. Glasses: Intended to have one, but too expensive.
13. tattoos: Chester Bennington's tattoos are cool.
14. Birthplace: Singapore
15. Area code: (Area code of what? I shall not give up)
16. Best friend: Can I add (s) to friend?

******HAVE YOU EVER*****
17. Cut your own hair?: Yup, when I was 6 (Yes YS, it's 6 years old again)
18. Done something in the past which made u regret?: Like break up with Wayne? Ya right.
19. Have you ever met someone you were not supposed to?: Soo Wah Ming Wayne of M07106
21. Skipped school?: Lessons, yes.
22. Bungee jumped?: Me want me want.
24. Punched someone?: Too kind to punch someone. (Is elbowing someone counted? XD)
25. Cheated on someone? Holy.
26. Been arrested?: "Ya right" I once was arrested for stealing, another time for murdering, etc
.27. Broke into someone's house? If you say YS's house, maybe (Please note "maybe")
31. Been to a funeral? No...
32. Used a lighter? Yes. To burn newspaper+candle+wooden chopsticks. (Even played with the candles my parents used for candlelight dinner)

*****FAVORITE** ***

34. Season: Winter
36. Ice cream flavour: STRAWBERRY!!! CHOCOLATE!!! (No oysters you sick ass). MOCHA!!!
37. School subject(s): Math!!!, PE!!!, FRENCH!!! (No not chinese sadly)
38. Candy: Chocolate? Strawberry?
39. Breakfast: Never had breakfast for 3 years.
40. Juice: Seldom drink juice.
41. Book(s): Science books.
42. Movie(s): Tons? Ok fine Bigger, Longer and Uncut by South Park
43. Song(s): Linkin Park!!!--Almost all. Evanescence--Good Enough, My Immortal
44. Day(s) in a week: Anyday with French lessons
50. Letter(s): Do they matter?
51. Favorite fast food restaurant: Mcdonalds!!!! Because have memories there...
52 . Disney Princess: What teh hell.
53. Favourite station: Radio stations: 92.4FM // Police station.
54. Name for a son: =.=
55. Name for a daughter: =.=

******DO YOU PREFER*****

56. Chocolate or Vanilla? Chocolate!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
57. Alcoholic or not? Alcohol is nice...grape wine juice...hehe. *evil grin*
60. Scary movies or comedies? Scary movies suck. Comedies...South Park^^
61. Short or long hair? LONG hair (Thanks mum for cutting my hair):)
62. Croutons or bacon bits? neither.

******FIRST THINGS THAT COME TO MIND******

64. Mexicans: America.
65. School: Study
66. Grass: Green
67. Cow: Holy Cow (Thanks to influence from YS=.=)
68. Canada: SOUTH PARK!
69. Mouse: Cat.
70. Hands: o2jam....*evil laughs*

******THE PAST 3 DAYS, HAVE YOU******

71. Watched a movie? Nope.
72. cried on the phone: No chance.
73. Cried?: Almost did today.
74. Choked? Ya right=.=
75. Drank a glass of water? Nope, I drank from a bottle
76. Done Drugs? Ya right=.=
77. Read a book or magazine? Bad Astronomy.
78. Watched TV? Yes.
79 . Looked in the mirror? Yes
80. Taken a shower? ............
81. Taken a picture? No chance
82. Listened to music? I am right now=.=
83. Kissed someone? My parents
84. Told someone you liked them? ............
85 . Last thing u did before the this survey : Reading Huiwen's blog.
86. have u slept? Yes.
87. have you been heartbroken? ............A heart is more likely to rupture.
88. had your dinner ? Forced to...sighs
89. Killed yourself? In games that I am noob at.
90. Fell from the 1st floor? I would love to.
91. slapped yourself? .............I rather talk about this to YS.
92. slapped somebody? ............Hullo Wayne...*imply imply*
93. Hugged sumbody? Yes. Thank god you never ask who.
94. Would you mind if i call your mum a sl*t?: Sorry, but hi Mona.
95. End time: 9.52PM

Original quiz found at: http://www.curl-up-n-dye-photo.blogspot.com

Su Hang told me about http://www.orisinal.com, it rocks. Shall give the links of some nice (and cute, mind you) games.
http://www.ferryhalim.com/orisinal/g3/bells.htm
http://www.ferryhalim.com/orisinal/g3/pig.htm
http://www.ferryhalim.com/orisinal/g3/pig.htm
http://www.ferryhalim.com/orisinal/g2/two.htm
http://www.ferryhalim.com/orisinal/g3/crossing.htm

Cheers to myself, sinister feelings are finally gone. I finally calmed down....gah. The only thing I hate is...I should have asked my parents for a reward!!! I reached the target already, aren't they getting something for me??? If it was possible I would use my $500 savings and buy an iPod OR Creative Zen MP3 Player. Both of them seems cool....hehe.

Yea right like since when will they agree.

As the result slip falls,
As I stared at telephone,
All this seem to shatter,
My heart is once more gone.

"You have improved dear,
keep up the good work!"
But though I had improved,
it still doesn't matter how hard I try.

Everyone I asked,
Every result I know.
was nothing,
but all CAPs higher than mine.

Do not deceive me anymore. If you are right now. I don't know what to say to you, I cannot face you. At all. At least if comparing results I am not worth for you at all. All this was a naive mistake I made. And you followed along. But why? You can have so much more happiness, yet what I can give you is so little. I can't give you the love you deserve, I can't console you when you are feeling down. I am not worth for you at all, and yet you stay.

I do not get this at all.

SO WHAT IF I FREAKING IMPROVED? IT DOES NOT FUCKING MAKE A DIFFERENCE.

I seriously don't know what I am so happy for. I seriously need to go and get a life.

So what if I don't sound suicidal? Does not mean I can be happy forever.

MY CAP GODAMMIT SUCKS. MY ATTITUDE SUCKS. I MYSELF SUCK. Yay me congratulations, I do not like myself.

EVEN IF I IMPROVED LIKE SIAO AS MY TEACHER IS TRYING TO IMPLY, IT STILL SUCKS.

Thank you.

Online games can get freaky.

Especially when you have 2 players battling on o2jam just to have the winner to get me. (aka the winner can be my bf)

*shudders*

All worth it. Seriously.

After Assembly we had this drama skit and it is about weird people (inspired by whose story again?). I really love it, it is the best drama skit I had ever seen. Joelle totally rocks with her staring role, when Sankar actually asked "Will you marry me?" Lol. Darryl Foo became the microwave blender, Sharne was a robot boy. There is this girl with a totally beautiful dress, I love it so much><, and she is the Oyster Girl. Another beautiful girl was the stick, while Darryl is the match, so a match+stick=fire. Apparently Darryl was burnt to death when he embraced that girl. Sad><...but that is perhaps the most beautiful part of the drama. Well as for the microwave blender part, it was simply humorous. Very.
"You actually did it with a blender????!!!!" XD.
"I don't love him (or something like that) because he can't turn on anymore."

After that we have this IT Machinima workshop and I wanted to pwn it but since I heard there is attendance taken and there is someone called Mr Jeremy Ang ><, I had no choice but to go. Never regretted it, because you can slack in the computer lab, watching people play Halo 3 trial and slack about, with someone regularly snatching Skittles from you XD. Then Huiwen and Lester kept asking me and YS to share on chair=.= like what the hell.

The concert was really nice, shall not say too much.

The disco was nice, and I won a computer speaker. Oh wow. Thanks YS for the ticket><. Don't worry if you don't get what I mean, I shall explain later on when I feel like it. Haha...XD

All worth it.

Labels: disco night, school life

It is disco night in approximately 7 hours time, but YS seems to be missing.

To be very honest, I am very scared that he is not coming.

Labels: disco night, school life

Slacked like siao in school today. Vivian is so going to die and be killed by the massive CO force. I shall not say good luck, since it is YOUR responsibility to come, and you did not. You shall face the consequences. Meanwhile I have the intention to join CO (drumming obviously, thanks to Vivian). Hmm but I will need the teacher's signature! God damn it!

Anyway this morning's fencing clinic is fun. Have warm-ups similar to those funny track drills, and learning fencing is fun too, even though holding the foil was somehow tiring for my wrist. Fenced with Jayashri, and I lost, because I am not a good fencer basically and I don't feel the evilness going on within me.

I can only hope that some juniors can be friends with me next year, unless it is really impossible. Then I will quit. Then I will say bye-bye to Track and probably join CO (or fencing if they managed to make it a CCA).

Labels: school life

Thank you thank you thank you so much Vivian^^
Yes, she is the one who helped me made this blogskin. Yay *jumps around*
And should I be happy that I pwned YS in Chinese and English?

And then I realise I need a wishlist. And it will be very^infinity long. Seriously. Especially if you are a Jay Chou fan because he has freaking lots of albums.

From next year onwards, everyday after I finished a bottle of 100-plus I will write the date on it. I may want to create a Guinness World Record. And seriously I don't know why, a bottle of ice lemon tea left untouched for 1 week is scary. It "exploded" when I open the cap; I don't know how the hell it has gas inside.

Labels: school life

I seriously feel like making my blog extinct. Then I can stop thinking about it and the freaking blogskins. Grr.

Someone, let me forget my blog. Someone...*jumps about like a zombie haunting people*

Sighs. I need lots of people to teach me lots of things.

Like how to ignore those minor but hurting pieces of truth protruding here there everywhere. Close friends need not worry, I am just doubting my existence in the class. Feel like the alien of the class.

EDIT: o2jam keeps being funny with me and hangs there whenever the song is about to start. I do hope this is not another system error, because they did not indicate so. >.< o2jam stop scaring me. I had never liked the Blue Screen of Death damn it.

And please tell me why damn is considered as abusive language=.=

No I do not regret anything. At least up to now. Even if I regret not buying those nice clothes or whatsoever, no those are not called regrets.

IMM is somehow boring. Window-shopping there by yourself is not boring actually. It is more like death. Especially after going out with those bunch of people.

Till the day I die, I shall not regret. But only if this can be made possible.

Eternally confused.
Very.
Asking someone out is hard.
Everybody do not get themselves. Me, you, everybody.
Yay.

Do not ask why I restrict this blog again and again. True friends are hard to find (I do hope Yichen is one of them), and I can't help myself but to dedicate this blog to only those who deserves to read it. As for the rest, I can't believe I helped them save time from reading my rubbish blog. Oh well who cares anyway? Now I can post more rubbish inside.

Yes, exams are over. Hell is gone. Hooray. What comes next is 2 days of heart-attack day. At least for me. I will be eternally grateful if I ever pass the Sciences. I just can't seem to excel in them. Thank god my CA has greatly improved compared to last semester.

I had known too much for my own good. And even if I could find bliss in ignorance it is too late. People already hate me. Being ignorant helps no more. I have known too much for my own good seriously.

Am I worse off than her? If I am please enlighten me, thank you very much. (Do not ask me who "her" is. Since I don't think she can be any much worse than present.)

To forgive and forget. Not. Some people just can't do it. Me too.

I guess it's time for me to understand why.

Daydreaming
Waiting
Anticipating
Looking forward to tomorrow

I tied my thoughts to a balloon
I let it soar up high
Fly into the deep blue clouds
Feel like you are flying with wings

Do not fear my child
You shall not fall down
For the angels will look upon you
And lead you with light

Do not cry my child
You shall not be alone
For the angels will listen to you
And embrace you with care

I will look upon you
I will protect you
Even if it means everything
Even if it means my life

I put my wishes in a feather
I let it float in the air
Fly away into Wonderland
Fly into the hands of his

When you receive my wishes
When the feather reaches you
Do not weep for me
For my soul is there for you

When you hang on to my balloon
When you feel like struggling
Do not fear the heights
For my hug is there for you

I will look upon you
I will protect you
Even if it means everything
Even if it means my life~~

Smile my dear
Do not weep for me
For my soul is always there
For you.

Some random poem by me(:

Second last paper is Logic and Sets, and yet I came to school early (aka I am in school now). Godammit it is freaking cold, someone save me, someone save my brain. May feel like writing poems, but it seems impossible. Especially when you don't have a god damn it workable Chinese input.

I am having a serious loss of appetite since 3 days ago. I had just appealed to my mum that one dinner may be split into two. Seriously. I can't eat at all, and obviously my mum had not been overfeeding me. It's me! Me who cannot eat at all. Grr...

Thank you exams, for helping me to slim down. Thank you exams, for making me more bored than ever. Bwahaha.

Don't Cry

white lies, now i regret
was this all juz a big mistake?
i love u so,
cant u see

u mean so much to me
do i seem the same to u?
i dun wanna see u hurt
i dun wanna see u cry

i juz wan this white lie
to continue now and forever,
become a reality
for u and me

no more hate in ur heart
no more guilt in ur eyes
no more tears from ur eyes
no more hurts in ur heart

dun cry
cos it make me hurt deep inside
dun hurt
cos it makes me wanna die

u mean the world to me
wad have i done
to make u shed
those tears

dun cry
cos it make me hurt deep inside
dun hurt
cos it makes me wanna die

at least
i wanna be there
when u cry
for a shoulder

it isn a lie to me and ypu
why do others think otherwise
even so
i refuse to accept this truth

i juz wan this white lie
to continue now and forever,
become a reality
for u and me

so..

dun cry
cos it make me hurt deep inside
dun hurt
cos it makes me wanna die

dun cry
dun hurt
even if its juz for me
dun cry

A damn nice song by Vivian. Thanks Vivian for the song...^^
Someone please tell me. Someone please tell me how not to cry when I hear "My Immortal"? Someone please tell me how not to have those things haunting me.

When this all started
I thought I would be happy
So naive I am
Thinking this would all go well

But what I see
Is tears and blood
What I feel
Is guilt and sorrow

You always stayed by me
You always smiled at me
But what is it
that you feel deep inside yourself?

Are you feeling tired?
Are you feeling sad?
To stay with me
Someone full of depression?

Am I your burden?
Am I your worries?
To stay with you
Someone who is gentle?

I feel like in a maze
I want to have an answer
I don't wanna live in guilt
Living in guilt is hard and painful

Don't force a smile on you
Just to keep me happy
I don't want you to love me
I just want you to be happy

Looking in your eyes
Those worries in your eyes
I longed to comfort you
But had not so far

I desire for the truth
But truth is painful
Truth is filled with needles
Ready to hurt my heart

Even so, please tell me
what you feel about me?
I rather hurt my heart
then to see you suffer

Please give me an answer
Please do not make this a white lie
For the truth is painful
But the lie is fatal

Please.

Gah.
Sucky poem.
Still must learn from Vivian.

Amazingly I got B+ for Math Olympiad. Was expecting something like C+ or even C.
To commemorate my death in Chemistry and Physics I am going to drown my sorrows in violin. As in which type of violin, you decide yourself=)

EDIT
Feeling not emo, but seriously depressed. With myself failing Chemistry and Biology, plus some memories haunting me.

Hello--Evanescence

Playground school bell rings again
Rain clouds come to play again
Has no one told you she's not breathing?
Hello I am your mind giving you someone to talk to
Hello

If I smile and don't believe
Soon I know I'll wake from this dream
Don't try to fix me, I'm not broken
Hello I'm the lie living for you so you can hide
Don't cry

Suddenly I know I'm not sleeping
Hello I'm still here
All that's left of yesterday

Chorus of My Immortal--Evanescence

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me

These two songs, plus Good Enough, are totally numbing me (ya right more like the opposite). Linkin Park songs were what slightly numb me (but still).

To hell with emoness.
Do you think it is possible? Do you think it is possible with those things haunting me?

I guess my soul has been possessed by Niccolo Paganini's violin caprices. You should really really really look at how brilliant the music score looks like. If Yan Sheng could play any pieces by Niccolo Paganini, I am so going to strangle him. This is one of his caprices, and it sounds damn emo at the starting.

Uly and Su Hang are so close to each other. Aww...
At the same time I feel secluded.
This cannot be the end...can it?
It has been exactly 7 months since that day.
I don't think he knows.
Are we actually drifting away? Like Tricia and Shahid last time?
I don't want to know, I don't want to think.
Suddenly I feel like writing stories. Must be the cause of boredom. Ok fine.

Writing my life story with my blood and tears

* Name: Tan Yong Ying
* School: NUS High School of Math & Science
* Class: M07106, M08206, M09304
* House: Faraday

到了最后关头，自己已经快要离开了，原本以为可以安心地去“度假”，没想到......
我已经无话可说，不管我说什么，也只似一位老百姓和秦始皇说道理，于事无补。
我有什么让你这么不满意，就直接告诉我，为何像一只缩头乌龟在远方以恶言重伤我？

人性就是如此可笑。

我感激，我感激有这么多人在旁一直支持我、鼓励我、安慰我。但是，我的良心总告诉我，我没有颜面去面对他们。

他们一直面对我，无怨无悔，但是我却什么事都不会做，只知道在那儿不断埋怨。我良心对不起他们，而他们一次又一次地包容我，更是让我心寒。

当初都是因为我，因为我的天真，促成这个大错。现在他对我的百般关心，我更是愧疚。你们好歹也骂一下我，打我也行，为何总是对我那么好、那么迁就？

我真的好累好累。

我感到好疲惫，感觉自己像是要崩塌了一样。但试问人们，眼睁睁地看着一个美满的希望琉璃被无情地敲碎，谁会甘心？

一次又一次地挣扎，一次又一次地想挣脱。原本看似理所当然的事，却因为自己的疏忽，而变成世上一大笑话。

她这样不分青红皂白地乱骂，在那儿血口喷人，有的也讲，没的也讲。她到底想证明什么？自己很会骂人？自己判断人的眼光一定是对的？凡是她说的都是对的，而我说的都是垃圾、简直是一派胡言？

人家总说我没有心平静和地说话，所以才会吃闭门羹，但我到底要说多少次，我想尝试、应该尝试、也已尝试了，但换回来的，是一次又一次地失败、一次又一次的“教诲”？

桌老师说的对，现在的人，都不愿意聆听。不愿意聆听，我还能接受，因为有时人们都会烦恼，不聆听是正常的。但是让我可恨的是，人们竟不愿意相信自己是错的。就算把他人逼上绝路，也不愿意相信错在于自己，丝毫愧疚感都没有。

好，我承认这些所发生的所有所有，我部分上有责任，但是以一事评一人，未免太可笑了吧？！

我只是想陪你说话，不想让你感到寂寞，你竟说我是在那儿说垃圾？随我心已碎，我仍放开胸怀，尝试接受你，尝试让你接受我，我却被当成是外人。

还记得那时候，记得那一刻，你说你不要我这女儿了，你说你没有我这种不像样的女儿。你说要把此事刊登上报，公诸于世，唯恐天下不知。

我眼眶里的泪水，你看到了吗？我心里流的血，你看到了吗？我无声的哭泣，歇斯底里地想呐喊却又被逼憋在心里，你感受到吗？

你曾说过我每次都是假哭，只为让你心软，不要惩罚我。我不明白。

在你眼里我是那么虚伪吗？在你眼里每个人都是虚伪的，更不用说你女儿？！

But at the same time I also find out that there is someone who is there for me. Which makes me feel even worse. He has been trying so hard just for me, yet there is nothing I can do to stop all this nonsense. Thanks for being there for me, I totally understand your heart, but...there is really nothing I can do about it.

I am sorry. Really sorry. Yet no words of apology can express how guilty I feel towards you right now.

WHAT
THE
HELL.

I am so freaking concerned for someone, I desperately try to find out what the fuck is wrong, and this is what I get.

THIS is what I freaking get.

Do we still appear in her eyes? Are we still of any value to her?

Never felt so desperate for a long time. First time I cried this month. Towards the end of November just something must happen. And Ms Chua said something about me being less emotional=.=

DOES ANYONE EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT THIS MEANS? DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT FREAKING MEANS? Yes to you all this is normal. But I don't know why, it is like a catastrophe, I do not get this.

Maybe I have to isolate myself from you people. Being with you people is like adding a burden. I am sorry, but I just cannot take it. Isolation may do no good, but at least.

Grounded. Sucky.

Why is my mum so unsociable?

And she wants to go back to Malaysia again with the situation there now. And she is aware of it.

Is she mad or what? Why must she do this to me out of everything? Even going downstairs for 5 minutes requires her utmost attention. As if I am supposed to be tied to her using a rope 24/7.

Fight for freedom not. She will never agree.

EDIT: What Su Hang and Uly brings about is catastrophe.

I must freaking document this.

Whenever I am in Malaysia, there will occasionally be some power failures at my area, but usually the electricity will be back within 6 hours (yes 6 hours).

Today, the electricity has been cut for more than 13 hours (yes 13 hours).

Am I supposed to be happy or what, now that this power failure made my mum decided to come back to Singapore? =)

Maybe yes. Or no.

Ten minutes of blackout in Singapore would make it to the headlines. 13 hours of blackout in Malaysia seems like everyday life. Get the difference?

I think I am thinking too much. At least not that much when I am online, but still.

God damn.
2 dolphins and 2 presents meant for someone have been confiscated. Fuck.

CAN'T I EVEN FUCKING GIVE PRESENTS TO MY BEST FRIEND?
FUCK.
I DO NOT GET HER AT ALL.
NOW THE POOR DOLPHINS HAVE TO SUFFER UNDER HER BED FOR ONE MONTH.
God damn it.

FINE I CAN'T FUCKING GIVE PRESENTS TO MY FRIENDS. THEN STOP TALKING ABOUT HOW GOOD YOUR FRIENDS WERE AND HOW MUCH MINE SUCK.

F*** off damn you.

All this seems like bullshit to me. SEE SO WHAT IF I FUCKING IMPROVED? NOTHING CHANGES. NOTHING. Yay me.

I officially announce that I also like dolphins other than cats.

Forgive me for my boredom (once more).

1. Start Time: 9.21 PM (Hello comp clock)

2. Name: (Name of what?)

3. Nickname: (Nickname of what?)

5. Sex: If considering with YS, probably (please note the word "probably")
6. Age: (Age of what?)
8. Eye color: Black
9. Height and weight: Ok I give up asking for what. The school measuring instruments suck.
10. Favourite colour(s): White, Black, Blue (I added the (s) thingo)
11. Glasses: Intended to have one, but too expensive.
13. tattoos: Chester Bennington's tattoos are cool.
14. Birthplace: Singapore
15. Area code: (Area code of what? I shall not give up)
16. Best friend: Can I add (s) to friend?

******HAVE YOU EVER*****
17. Cut your own hair?: Yup, when I was 6 (Yes YS, it's 6 years old again)
18. Done something in the past which made u regret?: Like break up with Wayne? Ya right.
19. Have you ever met someone you were not supposed to?: Soo Wah Ming Wayne of M07106
21. Skipped school?: Lessons, yes.
22. Bungee jumped?: Me want me want.
24. Punched someone?: Too kind to punch someone. (Is elbowing someone counted? XD)
25. Cheated on someone? Holy.
26. Been arrested?: "Ya right" I once was arrested for stealing, another time for murdering, etc
.27. Broke into someone's house? If you say YS's house, maybe (Please note "maybe")
31. Been to a funeral? No...
32. Used a lighter? Yes. To burn newspaper+candle+wooden chopsticks. (Even played with the candles my parents used for candlelight dinner)

*****FAVORITE** ***

34. Season: Winter
36. Ice cream flavour: STRAWBERRY!!! CHOCOLATE!!! (No oysters you sick ass). MOCHA!!!
37. School subject(s): Math!!!, PE!!!, FRENCH!!! (No not chinese sadly)
38. Candy: Chocolate? Strawberry?
39. Breakfast: Never had breakfast for 3 years.
40. Juice: Seldom drink juice.
41. Book(s): Science books.
42. Movie(s): Tons? Ok fine Bigger, Longer and Uncut by South Park
43. Song(s): Linkin Park!!!--Almost all. Evanescence--Good Enough, My Immortal
44. Day(s) in a week: Anyday with French lessons
50. Letter(s): Do they matter?
51. Favorite fast food restaurant: Mcdonalds!!!! Because have memories there...
52 . Disney Princess: What teh hell.
53. Favourite station: Radio stations: 92.4FM // Police station.
54. Name for a son: =.=
55. Name for a daughter: =.=

******DO YOU PREFER*****

56. Chocolate or Vanilla? Chocolate!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
57. Alcoholic or not? Alcohol is nice...grape wine juice...hehe. *evil grin*
60. Scary movies or comedies? Scary movies suck. Comedies...South Park^^
61. Short or long hair? LONG hair (Thanks mum for cutting my hair):)
62. Croutons or bacon bits? neither.

******FIRST THINGS THAT COME TO MIND******

64. Mexicans: America.
65. School: Study
66. Grass: Green
67. Cow: Holy Cow (Thanks to influence from YS=.=)
68. Canada: SOUTH PARK!
69. Mouse: Cat.
70. Hands: o2jam....*evil laughs*

******THE PAST 3 DAYS, HAVE YOU******

71. Watched a movie? Nope.
72. cried on the phone: No chance.
73. Cried?: Almost did today.
74. Choked? Ya right=.=
75. Drank a glass of water? Nope, I drank from a bottle
76. Done Drugs? Ya right=.=
77. Read a book or magazine? Bad Astronomy.
78. Watched TV? Yes.
79 . Looked in the mirror? Yes
80. Taken a shower? ............
81. Taken a picture? No chance
82. Listened to music? I am right now=.=
83. Kissed someone? My parents
84. Told someone you liked them? ............
85 . Last thing u did before the this survey : Reading Huiwen's blog.
86. have u slept? Yes.
87. have you been heartbroken? ............A heart is more likely to rupture.
88. had your dinner ? Forced to...sighs
89. Killed yourself? In games that I am noob at.
90. Fell from the 1st floor? I would love to.
91. slapped yourself? .............I rather talk about this to YS.
92. slapped somebody? ............Hullo Wayne...*imply imply*
93. Hugged sumbody? Yes. Thank god you never ask who.
94. Would you mind if i call your mum a sl*t?: Sorry, but hi Mona.
95. End time: 9.52PM

Original quiz found at: http://www.curl-up-n-dye-photo.blogspot.com

Su Hang told me about http://www.orisinal.com, it rocks. Shall give the links of some nice (and cute, mind you) games.
http://www.ferryhalim.com/orisinal/g3/bells.htm
http://www.ferryhalim.com/orisinal/g3/pig.htm
http://www.ferryhalim.com/orisinal/g3/pig.htm
http://www.ferryhalim.com/orisinal/g2/two.htm
http://www.ferryhalim.com/orisinal/g3/crossing.htm

Cheers to myself, sinister feelings are finally gone. I finally calmed down....gah. The only thing I hate is...I should have asked my parents for a reward!!! I reached the target already, aren't they getting something for me??? If it was possible I would use my $500 savings and buy an iPod OR Creative Zen MP3 Player. Both of them seems cool....hehe.

Yea right like since when will they agree.

As the result slip falls,
As I stared at telephone,
All this seem to shatter,
My heart is once more gone.

"You have improved dear,
keep up the good work!"
But though I had improved,
it still doesn't matter how hard I try.

Everyone I asked,
Every result I know.
was nothing,
but all CAPs higher than mine.

Do not deceive me anymore. If you are right now. I don't know what to say to you, I cannot face you. At all. At least if comparing results I am not worth for you at all. All this was a naive mistake I made. And you followed along. But why? You can have so much more happiness, yet what I can give you is so little. I can't give you the love you deserve, I can't console you when you are feeling down. I am not worth for you at all, and yet you stay.

I do not get this at all.

SO WHAT IF I FREAKING IMPROVED? IT DOES NOT FUCKING MAKE A DIFFERENCE.

I seriously don't know what I am so happy for. I seriously need to go and get a life.

So what if I don't sound suicidal? Does not mean I can be happy forever.

MY CAP GODAMMIT SUCKS. MY ATTITUDE SUCKS. I MYSELF SUCK. Yay me congratulations, I do not like myself.

EVEN IF I IMPROVED LIKE SIAO AS MY TEACHER IS TRYING TO IMPLY, IT STILL SUCKS.

Thank you.

Online games can get freaky.

Especially when you have 2 players battling on o2jam just to have the winner to get me. (aka the winner can be my bf)

*shudders*

All worth it. Seriously.

After Assembly we had this drama skit and it is about weird people (inspired by whose story again?). I really love it, it is the best drama skit I had ever seen. Joelle totally rocks with her staring role, when Sankar actually asked "Will you marry me?" Lol. Darryl Foo became the microwave blender, Sharne was a robot boy. There is this girl with a totally beautiful dress, I love it so much><, and she is the Oyster Girl. Another beautiful girl was the stick, while Darryl is the match, so a match+stick=fire. Apparently Darryl was burnt to death when he embraced that girl. Sad><...but that is perhaps the most beautiful part of the drama. Well as for the microwave blender part, it was simply humorous. Very.
"You actually did it with a blender????!!!!" XD.
"I don't love him (or something like that) because he can't turn on anymore."

After that we have this IT Machinima workshop and I wanted to pwn it but since I heard there is attendance taken and there is someone called Mr Jeremy Ang ><, I had no choice but to go. Never regretted it, because you can slack in the computer lab, watching people play Halo 3 trial and slack about, with someone regularly snatching Skittles from you XD. Then Huiwen and Lester kept asking me and YS to share on chair=.= like what the hell.

The concert was really nice, shall not say too much.

The disco was nice, and I won a computer speaker. Oh wow. Thanks YS for the ticket><. Don't worry if you don't get what I mean, I shall explain later on when I feel like it. Haha...XD

All worth it.

Labels: disco night, school life

It is disco night in approximately 7 hours time, but YS seems to be missing.

To be very honest, I am very scared that he is not coming.

Labels: disco night, school life

Slacked like siao in school today. Vivian is so going to die and be killed by the massive CO force. I shall not say good luck, since it is YOUR responsibility to come, and you did not. You shall face the consequences. Meanwhile I have the intention to join CO (drumming obviously, thanks to Vivian). Hmm but I will need the teacher's signature! God damn it!

Anyway this morning's fencing clinic is fun. Have warm-ups similar to those funny track drills, and learning fencing is fun too, even though holding the foil was somehow tiring for my wrist. Fenced with Jayashri, and I lost, because I am not a good fencer basically and I don't feel the evilness going on within me.

I can only hope that some juniors can be friends with me next year, unless it is really impossible. Then I will quit. Then I will say bye-bye to Track and probably join CO (or fencing if they managed to make it a CCA).

Labels: school life

Thank you thank you thank you so much Vivian^^
Yes, she is the one who helped me made this blogskin. Yay *jumps around*
And should I be happy that I pwned YS in Chinese and English?

And then I realise I need a wishlist. And it will be very^infinity long. Seriously. Especially if you are a Jay Chou fan because he has freaking lots of albums.

From next year onwards, everyday after I finished a bottle of 100-plus I will write the date on it. I may want to create a Guinness World Record. And seriously I don't know why, a bottle of ice lemon tea left untouched for 1 week is scary. It "exploded" when I open the cap; I don't know how the hell it has gas inside.

Labels: school life

I seriously feel like making my blog extinct. Then I can stop thinking about it and the freaking blogskins. Grr.

Someone, let me forget my blog. Someone...*jumps about like a zombie haunting people*

Sighs. I need lots of people to teach me lots of things.

Like how to ignore those minor but hurting pieces of truth protruding here there everywhere. Close friends need not worry, I am just doubting my existence in the class. Feel like the alien of the class.

EDIT: o2jam keeps being funny with me and hangs there whenever the song is about to start. I do hope this is not another system error, because they did not indicate so. >.< o2jam stop scaring me. I had never liked the Blue Screen of Death damn it.

And please tell me why damn is considered as abusive language=.=

No I do not regret anything. At least up to now. Even if I regret not buying those nice clothes or whatsoever, no those are not called regrets.

IMM is somehow boring. Window-shopping there by yourself is not boring actually. It is more like death. Especially after going out with those bunch of people.

Till the day I die, I shall not regret. But only if this can be made possible.

Eternally confused.
Very.
Asking someone out is hard.
Everybody do not get themselves. Me, you, everybody.
Yay.

Do not ask why I restrict this blog again and again. True friends are hard to find (I do hope Yichen is one of them), and I can't help myself but to dedicate this blog to only those who deserves to read it. As for the rest, I can't believe I helped them save time from reading my rubbish blog. Oh well who cares anyway? Now I can post more rubbish inside.

Yes, exams are over. Hell is gone. Hooray. What comes next is 2 days of heart-attack day. At least for me. I will be eternally grateful if I ever pass the Sciences. I just can't seem to excel in them. Thank god my CA has greatly improved compared to last semester.

I had known too much for my own good. And even if I could find bliss in ignorance it is too late. People already hate me. Being ignorant helps no more. I have known too much for my own good seriously.

Am I worse off than her? If I am please enlighten me, thank you very much. (Do not ask me who "her" is. Since I don't think she can be any much worse than present.)

To forgive and forget. Not. Some people just can't do it. Me too.

I guess it's time for me to understand why.

Daydreaming
Waiting
Anticipating
Looking forward to tomorrow

I tied my thoughts to a balloon
I let it soar up high
Fly into the deep blue clouds
Feel like you are flying with wings

Do not fear my child
You shall not fall down
For the angels will look upon you
And lead you with light

Do not cry my child
You shall not be alone
For the angels will listen to you
And embrace you with care

I will look upon you
I will protect you
Even if it means everything
Even if it means my life

I put my wishes in a feather
I let it float in the air
Fly away into Wonderland
Fly into the hands of his

When you receive my wishes
When the feather reaches you
Do not weep for me
For my soul is there for you

When you hang on to my balloon
When you feel like struggling
Do not fear the heights
For my hug is there for you

I will look upon you
I will protect you
Even if it means everything
Even if it means my life~~

Smile my dear
Do not weep for me
For my soul is always there
For you.

Some random poem by me(:

Second last paper is Logic and Sets, and yet I came to school early (aka I am in school now). Godammit it is freaking cold, someone save me, someone save my brain. May feel like writing poems, but it seems impossible. Especially when you don't have a god damn it workable Chinese input.

I am having a serious loss of appetite since 3 days ago. I had just appealed to my mum that one dinner may be split into two. Seriously. I can't eat at all, and obviously my mum had not been overfeeding me. It's me! Me who cannot eat at all. Grr...

Thank you exams, for helping me to slim down. Thank you exams, for making me more bored than ever. Bwahaha.

Don't Cry

white lies, now i regret
was this all juz a big mistake?
i love u so,
cant u see

u mean so much to me
do i seem the same to u?
i dun wanna see u hurt
i dun wanna see u cry

i juz wan this white lie
to continue now and forever,
become a reality
for u and me

no more hate in ur heart
no more guilt in ur eyes
no more tears from ur eyes
no more hurts in ur heart

dun cry
cos it make me hurt deep inside
dun hurt
cos it makes me wanna die

u mean the world to me
wad have i done
to make u shed
those tears

dun cry
cos it make me hurt deep inside
dun hurt
cos it makes me wanna die

at least
i wanna be there
when u cry
for a shoulder

it isn a lie to me and ypu
why do others think otherwise
even so
i refuse to accept this truth

i juz wan this white lie
to continue now and forever,
become a reality
for u and me

so..

dun cry
cos it make me hurt deep inside
dun hurt
cos it makes me wanna die

dun cry
dun hurt
even if its juz for me
dun cry

A damn nice song by Vivian. Thanks Vivian for the song...^^
Someone please tell me. Someone please tell me how not to cry when I hear "My Immortal"? Someone please tell me how not to have those things haunting me.

When this all started
I thought I would be happy
So naive I am
Thinking this would all go well

But what I see
Is tears and blood
What I feel
Is guilt and sorrow

You always stayed by me
You always smiled at me
But what is it
that you feel deep inside yourself?

Are you feeling tired?
Are you feeling sad?
To stay with me
Someone full of depression?

Am I your burden?
Am I your worries?
To stay with you
Someone who is gentle?

I feel like in a maze
I want to have an answer
I don't wanna live in guilt
Living in guilt is hard and painful

Don't force a smile on you
Just to keep me happy
I don't want you to love me
I just want you to be happy

Looking in your eyes
Those worries in your eyes
I longed to comfort you
But had not so far

I desire for the truth
But truth is painful
Truth is filled with needles
Ready to hurt my heart

Even so, please tell me
what you feel about me?
I rather hurt my heart
then to see you suffer

Please give me an answer
Please do not make this a white lie
For the truth is painful
But the lie is fatal

Please.

Gah.
Sucky poem.
Still must learn from Vivian.

Amazingly I got B+ for Math Olympiad. Was expecting something like C+ or even C.
To commemorate my death in Chemistry and Physics I am going to drown my sorrows in violin. As in which type of violin, you decide yourself=)

EDIT
Feeling not emo, but seriously depressed. With myself failing Chemistry and Biology, plus some memories haunting me.

Hello--Evanescence

Playground school bell rings again
Rain clouds come to play again
Has no one told you she's not breathing?
Hello I am your mind giving you someone to talk to
Hello

If I smile and don't believe
Soon I know I'll wake from this dream
Don't try to fix me, I'm not broken
Hello I'm the lie living for you so you can hide
Don't cry

Suddenly I know I'm not sleeping
Hello I'm still here
All that's left of yesterday

Chorus of My Immortal--Evanescence

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me

These two songs, plus Good Enough, are totally numbing me (ya right more like the opposite). Linkin Park songs were what slightly numb me (but still).

To hell with emoness.
Do you think it is possible? Do you think it is possible with those things haunting me?

I guess my soul has been possessed by Niccolo Paganini's violin caprices. You should really really really look at how brilliant the music score looks like. If Yan Sheng could play any pieces by Niccolo Paganini, I am so going to strangle him. This is one of his caprices, and it sounds damn emo at the starting.

Uly and Su Hang are so close to each other. Aww...
At the same time I feel secluded.
This cannot be the end...can it?
It has been exactly 7 months since that day.
I don't think he knows.
Are we actually drifting away? Like Tricia and Shahid last time?
I don't want to know, I don't want to think.
Suddenly I feel like writing stories. Must be the cause of boredom. Ok fine.

By post:

1. Moved
2. OBS?
3. 随笔
4. Random Composition
5. Amusement
6. Amusement
7. 记叙文
8. What's the point of everything when it all does no...
9. Random.
10. LOL.

By month:

1. April 2000
2. September 2007
3. October 2007
4. November 2007
5. December 2007
6. January 2008
7. February 2008
8. March 2008
9. April 2008
10. May 2008
11. June 2008
12. July 2008
13. August 2008
14. September 2008
15. October 2008
16. November 2008
17. December 2008
18. January 2009
19. February 2009
20. March 2009
21. April 2009
22. May 2009
23. July 2009
24. August 2009
25. September 2009
26. October 2009
27. November 2009
28. December 2009

Data of type String