I have a feeling they do not care about me anymore. I'm the outcast of the outcasts.
That's good, for that's what I've been rumbling about for the past few months. So it really happening seems reasonable, I have no reason to ask them to stay.

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Now playing on iTunes: Robert Stahlbrand - Chopin - Op.28 no.20, Prelude in C minor
via FoxyTunes

I'm bringing shame to whoever is with me. My class, my "gang of friends", someone, and perhaps even my parents.
Soon I will evolve to someone who will only let at most 5 people know me. Know what I like, feel what I feel. And considering the fact that 2 of them MUST be my parents.
Soon I have no choice but to shut my heart, before I bring shame to my "gang of friends" and that someone who have done absolutely nothing wrong at all.
Well that someone is not reading this I guess. Oh well, expected.
I want to change, but where's the chance?
I want to change, but is anyone willing to see? Willing to accept?
Changing is hard. And I want to try. But no one is willing to tell me how. You want me to figure it out by myself? What if I figure out the wrong thing? And then bring more shame to all those who should not be taking the criticism with me?
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Now playing on iTunes: Chopin Funeral March
via FoxyTunes

This post is moved.
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Now playing on iTunes: David Nevue - Greensleeves
via FoxyTunes

This post has been moved.
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Now playing on iTunes: Johann Sebastian Bach - 第一《勃兰登堡》协奏曲F大调作品1046号
via FoxyTunes

Yes, I'm in love with the 24th Prelude for some reason. And some others.

Went to Orchard. Again=o.

Got 2 pairs of jeans and 1 black gown for me and lots of bags (again) plus a jean skirt for my mum.

I love my jeans. It's like...finally there are jeans that just fit me. One pair originally costs $89 and the other $99. After discount, they cost...$19 and $13 respectively. Although they are not exactly gorgeous like Levi's jeans, at least they look "like it". For the gown...>.<. It's...gorgeous in my opinion. Originally costs $109, got it for $13. Everything in Orchard is great, except... Carrying 5++kg per hand is a torture. And both hands are loaded. And it's not like they are in nice boxes, it's like 2 big, fat, heavy bulgy bags. Imagine walking like that, for 5++ hours. With my mum who's carrying approximately nothing. I actually fell asleep on the way back. So my dad commented: Shopping in Orchard is actually more tiring than going to school for her. Lols.

Start of crazy screaming
Went to HMV in Heeren again. Saw TWO Linkin Park T-shirts and two South Park T-shirts. 1 for $39.95, 2 for $60. Damn. Also tried to find Linkin Park calender, AND THERE IS ONLY ONE FREAKING LINKIN PARK CALENDER LEFT. $17.95. I WANT IT. Also saw a South Park calender, but I want I want I want Linkin Park!!! Argh. What's even worse.
THEY ACTUALLY HAVE CD SINGLES. Like what the freaking godammit hell. Argh. And so I saw these Linkin Park singles:

1. What I've Done
2. Bleed It Out
3. Shadow of The Day

I WANT I WANT I REALLY WANT the old singles! Like "Somewhere I Belong" and "Faint" and "In The End" and "Numb" (if they have Numb as a single lar, I am not sure). ARGH! Those sound much much much more like Linkin Park!!!

Also saw three weird albums. One is "A Tribute to Linkin Park", with all the remixes I think. Another is "A Gothic Tribute to Linkin Park" or something like that. One more is...DAMNS I FORGOT. Anyways I want them all! I want I want I want. T.T

Miss school. Somehow miss looking at those pupils loitering at the Concourse every morning...miss running about...

The earphones I'm using are...weird.

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Now playing on iTunes: Robert Ståhlbrand - Chopin - Op.28 no.24, Prelude in D minor
via FoxyTunes

Consequence of not being able to find skins:
Re-use blogskins.

Yay me.

5 days to school. Zzzz. I cannot stand it anymore. The idea of going to Malaysia once again shudders me somehow. Why do I feel so paranoid towards that place?

Anyways found a list on Wikipedia about unusual deaths. Some actually laughed to death. *gasps in horror* Oh no, I cannot laugh so much. Thank god I do not eat much, or else I will eat to death. I mean it. Link

I want my school back. Give me my school back! *protests*
Looking forward to...

1. French classes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Erm...I just like it)
   
2. Mathematics!!!! (Looking forward to Mr Lee^^)
   
3. Orientation!!!! (Want to see if my juniors are here)
   
4. Chinese=.= (Which teacher am I getting? I'm somehow concerned)
5. Biology*.* (Muahaha)
6. Last but not least...family tree!!! (Duh-ness)

I really love the 24 preludes. Which one is my favourite, I am not sure (I never keep track of it). Only know the 24th one sounds...woah.

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Now playing on iTunes: Robert Ståhlbrand - Chopin - Op.28 no.24, Prelude in D minor
via FoxyTunes

Narh I'm not gonna to. Posting two blog posts a day seems fun.
Went to Orchard. Again. But I don't mind.
Today my mum went on a "genuine leather" bag craze. Spent over $200 on those bags I guess. Well I get to share them with my mum, yays. And she gave me one for free (: with a flower on it. Quite simple, but big and elegant too. Muahahas.

Also tried out my cosmetic set (Yes, me using cosmetics). I am somehow surprised that I am using make-up. Aaaahs what has become of me? >.<. The nail polish inside the set is nice :D

I guess my mum's proud of herself. Out to Orchard 3 (or 4) times and she did not get any clothes. At all. o.O

Random quote of the day:

No, this trick won't work. How on earth are you ever going to explain in terms of chemistry and physics so important a biological phenomenon as first love?--Einstein

For Christmas I listened to Alvin and The Chipmunks OST.
For post-Christmas I listend to the 24 Preludes by Chopin.
Yes, I downloaded all 24 preludes. Yes, I am bored. Yes, I once also downloaded the music scores for all Bach inventions. So yay me.
Next I am gonna download all Nocturnes that I can find.
Muahahas.

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Now playing on iTunes: Robert Stahlbrand - Chopin - Op.28 no.13, Prelude in F-sharp major
via FoxyTunes

Merry Christmas everyone!!!!!
*Yea right*
I think I am weird. I don't know how to play the piano *hates myself*, and yet I still download tons of music scores.
Holidays, go away, come again another day...*sings and sleeps*
Zzz...
I tried to link all the blogskins that I used before, but I lost track of all of them. Gahs. Managed to get some back only. Shall find the others some other day.
*slept from 10.25pm to 3.25am. woke till 5am, am sleeping now*
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Now playing on iTunes: w-inds. - Feel The Fate
via FoxyTunes

I know it's weird to feel negative before Christmas, but seriously.
Went to Orchard today, mostly spent time at Robinsons. Trying to find something nice to buy, and I helped my mum find something, only to realise that not a single shit looks nice on me. I finally realise, that no clothes look nice on me. They only look nice on the hangers, and anyone probably, but not me.
I can't possibly walk on the street naked, but then?
I swear I am never gonna try out clothes anymore. Nothing just fits that body of mine.
In the end only got a cosmetic set that costs $21.50, but then my dad kept scolding me for not sharing the "gift". He says I should share it with my soft toy dog. OH FINE LAR! I use then he scold, fine.
I hate Christmas to the core for some reason.

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Now playing on iTunes: Thorsten Hammer - Chopin - Op.9 no.1, Nocturne in B-flat minor
via FoxyTunes

Am I foolish or what?
I know he won't be going, yet it seems probable that I will go to the library again. For him. Waiting for him. Imagining all types of possibilities and imagining him coming to see me, like those scenarios in those dramas.
I think I said before I am someone who watches too many dramas.

Poor dolphin.

EDIT: The time is gone. I've told my mum there's no Track (more like Track is "cancelled"). So...go there only for the sake of changing clothes. The one I bought for my mum is too small. Gahs. Probably in JEC till 12 or 1 pm. It depends. I just hope mum won't scold me.

P.S.: I would have asked my dad to fetch me long time ago, but scared that my mum would scold me=.= again. Though it's not raining lar.
WHY THE CLOTHES MUST BE CHANGED WITHIN 3 DAYS?!?!
I THOUGHT IT SHOULD BE 7?!?!

I'm into multi-posting again.
I love the show 天国的阶梯。It's really nice. And sweet. And then it sets me imagining all types of fantasies again. ><
Somehow the love in between them is just like...so sweet till it seems impossible. Very impossible.
If I were given a choice to choose my personality again, I wonder what I would choose, or even whether I'm changing or not.
If only we could really change space, bend spacetime, so that we could teleport. If only I could control minds, so that the banks won't keep chasing my dad for money, so that teachers won't give us so much work, so that my mum would forget about all those sufferings.
Please.

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Now playing on iTunes: Linkin Park - Carousel
via FoxyTunes

Holy.
My mum still thinks there is Track next week, thought there's no more (duh, it's Christmas dude!).
But well Monday we are going to Orchard. I think.
There's still Thursday and Friday...but who's gonna come?
Perhaps I should get to some shopping. Again. Sighs.
Looked at my imeem stats. Wahoo.

1. 9904 hits, Christmas Party (it's an Audition song btw)
2. 9032 hits, Queen of Dancing (still Audition)
3. 8884 hits, Happy Ending (STILL Audition)
4. 7835 hits, Figure.09 (Holy I thought no one listened to my Linkin Park songs I've uploaded)
5. 7528 hits, Love Story (still still still Audition)

My plan is to be bored and record all those nice songs in o2jam (but using 02mania). And a free trial recorder=.= which can be redownloaded again and again.
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Now playing on iTunes: w-inds. - Beautiful Life
via FoxyTunes

I thought I heard someone say before that love is selfish.
What can I do, so that it's not selfish? What can I do, so that he can get what he wants, and not so what I want?

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Now playing on iTunes: Linkin Park - Pushing Me Away (Live)
via FoxyTunes

Saying too much on blogs suck. It's like I update my blog almost everyday and the number of tags are damn sucky. Put any godamnit sitecounter and pathetic statistics are what you get.
Someone who updates like shit gets zero tags. Someone who never updates gets tons of tags.
I shall stop thinking about whether god is fair or not. After all it's like an excuse to escape from your mistakes, which I always do.
Holy shit I heard a Cantonese version of "Milky Way"?!
I thought I wanted to say something else but I forgot, so wells.

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Now playing on iTunes: Linkin Park - No Roads Left
via FoxyTunes

Jay Chou's “彩虹” is stuck in my head. I just keep having the lyrics going in my head again and again.
The lyrics are just so touching.
Holy cow, was in Orchard the whole day, bought only a cosmetic set that's $21.50 after discount. That's all!
Never knew that my mum would go to Orchard, never knew my dad's so smart that he can miss the school, godamnit I missed my calculus text, HP Tablet PC offer and iPod offer. Damns.
Somehow the Orchard trip made my mum feel better. Phews.
But still.
I want my calculus text!!!!!
Calculus!!!

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Now playing on iTunes: 周杰倫 - 以父之名
via FoxyTunes

I screwed myself up. Totally. Thanks to Track training.
Must I record my mum's scolding or what? But I know, it's hard to explain how insane she is (literally insane).
I stood from 8pm-10pm outside the house! Yay!
Now I'm feeling damn cold, think maybe I got a fever liao.
But does she care?
Yes I am unfilial to my dad, I treat him as my worker, I totally do not see him in my eye, HAPPY?
Like since WHEN can I explain for myself?
Someone, please, anyone who understands me.
Yes I did see him yesterday. Which makes me miss him even more then.
Just because of an untimely godamnit rain I am scolded as if I killed the President or my dad.
She sees the tears obviously, she must be feeling happy. Very happy. That once again I'm crying thanks to her oh-so-nice-and-philosophical scoldings.
Sometimes I'm scared. Literally scared. 3 years ago. Whatever happened. Whatever was diagnosed to my mum. I have all the reason to believe, that she has a relapse. In Primary 5, that was what caused my results to flunk since then. In NUSH, that will be what caused my future to end.
So let's be insane together!
You want that to happen? You want your daughter to become insane?
Oh sure you do. You can even disown me already, what else can't you do to me?

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Now playing on iTunes: 周杰倫 - 彩虹
via FoxyTunes

Argh.
While I'm about to finish editing my ePortfolio thingo...

I can't access it.

I can't freaking access it! Now it looks like crap! Argh.
*bangs wall*
Why must the ePortfolio do this to me?! Why?

*EDIT: Now it's back.


Watched Jay Chou on MTV channel yesterday, he looks damn handsome, I was screaming like hell, managed to persuade my mum to listen to his song "牛仔很忙”, then finally, she says that she likes Jay Chou now. Finally.


So near yet so far.


I never knew there is a dolphin constellation. (:

For food, I'm ice-mocha, and for chemistry I'm CuSO4. For physics I've decided, I'll be Psi-prime meson. Don't ask me why.

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Now playing on iTunes: Linkin Park - Session
via FoxyTunes

The box of chocolates, the chocolate perhaps meant for the loved one, has not been opened ever since god-knows-when.

Seriously, I bought it and I never opened it only because I don't bear to open it. Am I weird or am I weird?

I realised no song is ever emo enough to make me cry. The emotions within are simply not as much as how I feel. The complexity of feelings in me...

If only I could really communicate using telepathy, then I would try my best, try my best to make him feel being loved in anyway. The feeling of being loved, as I realise only recently, is really...different. It's like...a personal possession that you wish no one else would have.

Maybe I was really too selfish then. Too selfish to realise why my mum has been crying so much, thinking so much, till she even go insane. Though I was also suffering partly for the same reason too. And I thought I still blame my mum for remembering him. But now I don't. Now I realise, how painful it is. The pain, of thinking about love. I thought I saw her tears once again, yet I don't have the courage to ask her what happened. Argh.

I should be thankful I did not cry tonight.

*sobs*
Math: Trigonometry! Coordinate geometry! Gah!
Chemistry: Some atomic model shit. Thought it's more like physics. For the model is related to quantum mechanics. Yay.
Physics: Vibrations =o
Biology: Argh and thermodynamics. Oh wow.

Why no astronomy? Why no study of the universe? Why?????
Me want learn about General Relativity. T.T

In library now.
Bored.
Sianned-out.
Reading about General Relativity and Dynamical Systems.
I know I am siao once again, thank you.
Wanted to post something, but thought it was too emo already, decided not to.
Sianzorrz.

心里煎熬，谁知？

I'm dying from all this. I've been too deep into it. What I thought was just me doesn't seem so simple after all.

So, who is it? Who on earth is the me that is me?

Literally sick. Feeling weird, as if I am breathless. Thank you flu, for making me feel perfectly wonderful.

Ok fine I surrender. The track training is actually cancelled. Must be because it's too far away (: The sleep's worth it! Yippee!

I still choose to believe that I do not understand myself. Yay me. I'm gonna have quantum mechanics for breakfast, calculus for lunch, o2jam for dinner, Bohr model for supper (: Yup I know I am crazy, thank you. *bows*

The connection seems to go haywire again. Shit I still need to publish my blog post!

Damn.

The frustrations are back.
If only our distances weren't that far.

Shit. Literally shit.
The training's at 8am at Matritchie (however you spell it) Reservoir and I woke up at 8am exactly.
Shit the consequences of holidays. And my cough. Thank god it's better now.
But still. Gah.

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Now playing on iTunes: Sandro Bisotti - Beethoven - Sonata in C sharp minor Op.27 No.2 ("Moonlight") - 1: Adagio sostenuto
via FoxyTunes

Once I watched a South Park episode which involves characters of the parallel universe. I thought it was just some bull crap, but later on realised that it's actually somehow based on "fact".

I'm wondering if split-personality is just the consequence of "The Many-Worlds Theory". At least it seems plausible. But it's scary. Someone who behaves in totally two different ways at the same time, same instant...is that what the dream is trying to imply? (I once had two completely different dreams in a night...within 4 hours I guess.)

Perhaps it's nice to be a string (in string theory).

Feeling damn depressed.
The fact that I was able to survive all the other school holidays but not this one shows how much I miss him I guess.
To be honest I miss French lessons. I really miss them. They seem to be the only lessons which makes me feel relaxed.
Why there's no more keyboard lessons? Why can't we learn calculus at Year 2? Why I can't even meet someone whom I obviously miss a lot for just once or twice a week?!
Godamn stupid cough made me scolded by my mum. Her that godamn bitchy attitude is like sucky.

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Now playing on iTunes: w-inds. - Milky Way
via FoxyTunes

I do not like titling every single blog post with boredom, which is particularly the state.

• Calculus (I don't care, I am still reading it)
• Quantum mechanics and string theory (I love it)
• Chaos theory
  
• Paper Mario
• o2jam (sadly static these days)
• Blogging (it's damn boring)
• South Park (watching random episodes)

Ok fine so maybe I do have things that amaze me...

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Now playing on iTunes: Linkin Park - Somewhere I Belong
via FoxyTunes

我以为我一直在期盼着什么，没想到这一切，只不过是我一厢情愿罢了。
我苦苦等待，为了什么？到头来，最白痴的那个人，还是我。最无知最天真的那个人，还是我。

什么都不用说，就让这成为结束一切的一切。

Oh my god.
The Track captain sent an email at 1.30am=.= and tell us the training is at Tanglin. At 8am. The time which I woke up. And now I am the only blur one in NUSH (posting from school lar). Waka how can this happen to me? What to do now?

Yes, I must admit, I was awake at 1.30am, but who would expect anyone to send an email at 1.30am?!

(*%*()*^%$#$%^&*()(*^%$#$%^&*&^%$%^&()*%$&%(

*explodes under hydrochloric acid*

Ooh shucks I have to un-restrict my blog again, because I guess people want to read it. Sighs...怎么办呢？ XD

Thanks Tim, for introducing someone who has the same name as me and same blogskin as me >.< And if you manage to see this, hi Joan^^

Never write poems for eons, don't know when to start one. Trying to learn calculus and optics and blah! *runs around desperately once again*

School holidays r the pwnage lar. Managed to make me feel bored like shit for the first time in life. Still did not manage to be academic.

Wo.ots 不能说的秘密 actually got 3 prizes in the Golden Horse whatever!!! Wahoo. 色.戒 is like total pwnage lar, got 7 prizes. But too bad it's NC16...or M18 or whatsoever GAH ><

Sianzorz, Track training again tomorrow=.=. Very the sian. Run run run so much then Mr Tan never come=.=. Teacher-in-charge never come liao still want us to run, siao ar?!

%$&^(*)^(&%&^#$&*_{(_)RE(WQ)$(@!)

Joking joking. I know lar, teachers also need to rest mah.

Now reading this blogpost again...sighs. Too bad we can't really be random, since everything has a probability of happening. Then how to describe the randomness we feel?

I think my eyes are never easily satisfied. Especially with blogskins.
I think I must have used over 40 blogskins by now. I shall try to compile a list next time.
YS, if you see this, leave me a message, stating:

1) Going or not.
2) Meeting at where.
3) Bringing dolphin or not
4) Necessity of laptop

And I pwned Track training on Friday. Yay me.

只要以真心对待，
握在手中的爱情就永远属于你，不会因为任何理由，而从手中逃过。
这，应该就是纯真的爱情吧。

Teehee want to suffocate liao...the feelings I had today are overwhelming. *faints*

无法开口 （苏永康）

如果我知道太多
那关于相遇的错过
奋不顾身的追求能找到什么
如果你等得太久
请相信我不曾经过
想装上翅膀飞到你身后
爱很浓心很空
该怎么停在你心中
只剩长已久的寂寞时间
带不走
爱很多心很痛
究竟有多少次错过
这唯一的承诺深深埋在心中
我却无法开口
相信放在心中愿随时为你保留
真爱在我口袋别让风把它带走
思念不能放开它就像潮水
难以回收
就算相拥一秒种就已足够
如果我知道太多
那关于相遇的错过
奋不顾身的追求能找到什么
如果你等得太久
请相信我不曾经过
想装上翅膀飞到你身后
爱很浓心很空
该怎么停在你心中
只剩长已久的寂寞时间
带不走
爱很多心很痛
究竟有多少次错过
这唯一的承诺深深埋在心中
我却无法开口
相信放在心中愿随时为你保留
真爱在我口袋别让风把它带走
思念不能放开它就像潮水
难以回收
就算相拥一秒种就已足够
爱很浓心很空
该怎么停在你心中
只剩下依旧的寂寞时间
带不走
爱很多心很痛
究竟有多少次错过
这唯一的承诺深深埋在心中
我却无法开口



纯真的爱情......现代的世界还容许纯真的爱情吗？想到他，就让我觉得自己像个傻瓜痴痴的在等待。

Me? Fine? Like since when have I been fine?

Yes, I am retarded, emo, sucker, hyprocrite, whatever you call me. But I AM NOT FINE. To sum it up simply, I am someone with rubbish attitude. That's it, end of story.

Thank you.

唉。
假期一到，原本以为可以松懈心情，没想到心里却很烦。很烦很烦。第一次对着我妈大喊大叫的，感觉很抱歉，却又难耐心中怒火。为什么？为什么我连一通电话都这么在乎呢？

I love assuming things because my mum does.

Yesterday is like some kind of 向左走，向右走。Gah >.<

And my mum, stop forcing me to buy over-sized clothes.

好想哭。
好想好想跟他说“我爱你”，可是总说不出口。不知是因为紧张，害羞，还是什么。但是，那种想说“我爱你”却又一直憋在心里的感觉好苦。

Why is this happening?

You know the god damn it difference of one road? ONE FREAKING ROAD?! Not even street!

*bangs wall*

Audition sucks. o2jam rocks.
I feel random.
I REALLY feel random.
If you are reading this, who are you?
If you are not reading this, I do hope you are.

为何人们总把不能解释的爱情说成是缘分、是宿命、是天意？难道你想说那些不靠天意缘分，而是靠努力拼搏所争取的爱情就是不会开花结果？为什么人们总是那么执迷不悟？

Exactly 8 months have passed, but nothing much was said or done. Guess Viv's scolding did nothing much to him.

有话就直截了当的说，不要到处隐瞒。恨我就说恨我，不要用那种装可怜的眼神来欺骗我!

If I am a retard, YES I AM A GODAMMIT RETARD. Everybody can see that with their own eyes, need you emphasise?

老师说我这下半年已经没有像上半年那样情绪化，但我完全反对。回想那些我曾做过的事，回想那些让我朋友担心的情景，我完全反对老师的话。

到了今天，也许我又觉悟了。

真正心碎的感觉，像我这种伪君子，哪能真正感受？真正让人心痛得痛不欲生的滋味，想念的感觉，我又从何时有过真正领悟？每次说心碎，每次说抱歉，都是我这个伪君子一次又一次的欺骗，欺骗别人和自己！就连现在，我都能感觉到我那一字一句，只不过是要人家注意我，关心我！一次又一次的憎恨自己，讨厌自己，到头来还是回到我伪君子的一面。

我已无选择可言，因为我自己本身就是一个失败。

29th Nov 2007
Woots. Literally woots.
It's nice to know that someone still misses me...>< Thanks.

30th Nov 2007
Wakaka...gah gah gah gah gah >.< >.< >.<

1st Dec 2007
I am sorry Yan Sheng, but you always remind me of my father.

2nd Dec 2007
Godammit I ALWAYS get a flu whenever I go to Malaysia, as if I am allergic to it. Sighs. And I really love myself for sleeping from 3++am to 11am XD.

Current
Omfgwtfbbq I just got connected to the wireless. Finally=.=
And it is really sucky that I am returning tomorrow night, not tonight >:[
Gah >.< I am still addicted to Funeral March.

Writing my life story with my blood and tears

* Name: Tan Yong Ying
* School: NUS High School of Math & Science
* Class: M07106, M08206, M09304
* House: Faraday

I have a feeling they do not care about me anymore. I'm the outcast of the outcasts.
That's good, for that's what I've been rumbling about for the past few months. So it really happening seems reasonable, I have no reason to ask them to stay.

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Now playing on iTunes: Robert Stahlbrand - Chopin - Op.28 no.20, Prelude in C minor
via FoxyTunes

I'm bringing shame to whoever is with me. My class, my "gang of friends", someone, and perhaps even my parents.
Soon I will evolve to someone who will only let at most 5 people know me. Know what I like, feel what I feel. And considering the fact that 2 of them MUST be my parents.
Soon I have no choice but to shut my heart, before I bring shame to my "gang of friends" and that someone who have done absolutely nothing wrong at all.
Well that someone is not reading this I guess. Oh well, expected.
I want to change, but where's the chance?
I want to change, but is anyone willing to see? Willing to accept?
Changing is hard. And I want to try. But no one is willing to tell me how. You want me to figure it out by myself? What if I figure out the wrong thing? And then bring more shame to all those who should not be taking the criticism with me?
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Now playing on iTunes: Chopin Funeral March
via FoxyTunes

This post is moved.
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Now playing on iTunes: David Nevue - Greensleeves
via FoxyTunes

This post has been moved.
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Now playing on iTunes: Johann Sebastian Bach - 第一《勃兰登堡》协奏曲F大调作品1046号
via FoxyTunes

Yes, I'm in love with the 24th Prelude for some reason. And some others.

Went to Orchard. Again=o.

Got 2 pairs of jeans and 1 black gown for me and lots of bags (again) plus a jean skirt for my mum.

I love my jeans. It's like...finally there are jeans that just fit me. One pair originally costs $89 and the other $99. After discount, they cost...$19 and $13 respectively. Although they are not exactly gorgeous like Levi's jeans, at least they look "like it". For the gown...>.<. It's...gorgeous in my opinion. Originally costs $109, got it for $13. Everything in Orchard is great, except... Carrying 5++kg per hand is a torture. And both hands are loaded. And it's not like they are in nice boxes, it's like 2 big, fat, heavy bulgy bags. Imagine walking like that, for 5++ hours. With my mum who's carrying approximately nothing. I actually fell asleep on the way back. So my dad commented: Shopping in Orchard is actually more tiring than going to school for her. Lols.

Start of crazy screaming
Went to HMV in Heeren again. Saw TWO Linkin Park T-shirts and two South Park T-shirts. 1 for $39.95, 2 for $60. Damn. Also tried to find Linkin Park calender, AND THERE IS ONLY ONE FREAKING LINKIN PARK CALENDER LEFT. $17.95. I WANT IT. Also saw a South Park calender, but I want I want I want Linkin Park!!! Argh. What's even worse.
THEY ACTUALLY HAVE CD SINGLES. Like what the freaking godammit hell. Argh. And so I saw these Linkin Park singles:

1. What I've Done
2. Bleed It Out
3. Shadow of The Day

I WANT I WANT I REALLY WANT the old singles! Like "Somewhere I Belong" and "Faint" and "In The End" and "Numb" (if they have Numb as a single lar, I am not sure). ARGH! Those sound much much much more like Linkin Park!!!

Also saw three weird albums. One is "A Tribute to Linkin Park", with all the remixes I think. Another is "A Gothic Tribute to Linkin Park" or something like that. One more is...DAMNS I FORGOT. Anyways I want them all! I want I want I want. T.T

Miss school. Somehow miss looking at those pupils loitering at the Concourse every morning...miss running about...

The earphones I'm using are...weird.

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Now playing on iTunes: Robert Ståhlbrand - Chopin - Op.28 no.24, Prelude in D minor
via FoxyTunes

Consequence of not being able to find skins:
Re-use blogskins.

Yay me.

5 days to school. Zzzz. I cannot stand it anymore. The idea of going to Malaysia once again shudders me somehow. Why do I feel so paranoid towards that place?

Anyways found a list on Wikipedia about unusual deaths. Some actually laughed to death. *gasps in horror* Oh no, I cannot laugh so much. Thank god I do not eat much, or else I will eat to death. I mean it. Link

I want my school back. Give me my school back! *protests*
Looking forward to...

1. French classes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Erm...I just like it)
   
2. Mathematics!!!! (Looking forward to Mr Lee^^)
   
3. Orientation!!!! (Want to see if my juniors are here)
   
4. Chinese=.= (Which teacher am I getting? I'm somehow concerned)
5. Biology*.* (Muahaha)
6. Last but not least...family tree!!! (Duh-ness)

I really love the 24 preludes. Which one is my favourite, I am not sure (I never keep track of it). Only know the 24th one sounds...woah.

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Now playing on iTunes: Robert Ståhlbrand - Chopin - Op.28 no.24, Prelude in D minor
via FoxyTunes

Narh I'm not gonna to. Posting two blog posts a day seems fun.
Went to Orchard. Again. But I don't mind.
Today my mum went on a "genuine leather" bag craze. Spent over $200 on those bags I guess. Well I get to share them with my mum, yays. And she gave me one for free (: with a flower on it. Quite simple, but big and elegant too. Muahahas.

Also tried out my cosmetic set (Yes, me using cosmetics). I am somehow surprised that I am using make-up. Aaaahs what has become of me? >.<. The nail polish inside the set is nice :D

I guess my mum's proud of herself. Out to Orchard 3 (or 4) times and she did not get any clothes. At all. o.O

Random quote of the day:

No, this trick won't work. How on earth are you ever going to explain in terms of chemistry and physics so important a biological phenomenon as first love?--Einstein

For Christmas I listened to Alvin and The Chipmunks OST.
For post-Christmas I listend to the 24 Preludes by Chopin.
Yes, I downloaded all 24 preludes. Yes, I am bored. Yes, I once also downloaded the music scores for all Bach inventions. So yay me.
Next I am gonna download all Nocturnes that I can find.
Muahahas.

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Now playing on iTunes: Robert Stahlbrand - Chopin - Op.28 no.13, Prelude in F-sharp major
via FoxyTunes

Merry Christmas everyone!!!!!
*Yea right*
I think I am weird. I don't know how to play the piano *hates myself*, and yet I still download tons of music scores.
Holidays, go away, come again another day...*sings and sleeps*
Zzz...
I tried to link all the blogskins that I used before, but I lost track of all of them. Gahs. Managed to get some back only. Shall find the others some other day.
*slept from 10.25pm to 3.25am. woke till 5am, am sleeping now*
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Now playing on iTunes: w-inds. - Feel The Fate
via FoxyTunes

I know it's weird to feel negative before Christmas, but seriously.
Went to Orchard today, mostly spent time at Robinsons. Trying to find something nice to buy, and I helped my mum find something, only to realise that not a single shit looks nice on me. I finally realise, that no clothes look nice on me. They only look nice on the hangers, and anyone probably, but not me.
I can't possibly walk on the street naked, but then?
I swear I am never gonna try out clothes anymore. Nothing just fits that body of mine.
In the end only got a cosmetic set that costs $21.50, but then my dad kept scolding me for not sharing the "gift". He says I should share it with my soft toy dog. OH FINE LAR! I use then he scold, fine.
I hate Christmas to the core for some reason.

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Now playing on iTunes: Thorsten Hammer - Chopin - Op.9 no.1, Nocturne in B-flat minor
via FoxyTunes

Am I foolish or what?
I know he won't be going, yet it seems probable that I will go to the library again. For him. Waiting for him. Imagining all types of possibilities and imagining him coming to see me, like those scenarios in those dramas.
I think I said before I am someone who watches too many dramas.

Poor dolphin.

EDIT: The time is gone. I've told my mum there's no Track (more like Track is "cancelled"). So...go there only for the sake of changing clothes. The one I bought for my mum is too small. Gahs. Probably in JEC till 12 or 1 pm. It depends. I just hope mum won't scold me.

P.S.: I would have asked my dad to fetch me long time ago, but scared that my mum would scold me=.= again. Though it's not raining lar.
WHY THE CLOTHES MUST BE CHANGED WITHIN 3 DAYS?!?!
I THOUGHT IT SHOULD BE 7?!?!

I'm into multi-posting again.
I love the show 天国的阶梯。It's really nice. And sweet. And then it sets me imagining all types of fantasies again. ><
Somehow the love in between them is just like...so sweet till it seems impossible. Very impossible.
If I were given a choice to choose my personality again, I wonder what I would choose, or even whether I'm changing or not.
If only we could really change space, bend spacetime, so that we could teleport. If only I could control minds, so that the banks won't keep chasing my dad for money, so that teachers won't give us so much work, so that my mum would forget about all those sufferings.
Please.

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Now playing on iTunes: Linkin Park - Carousel
via FoxyTunes

Holy.
My mum still thinks there is Track next week, thought there's no more (duh, it's Christmas dude!).
But well Monday we are going to Orchard. I think.
There's still Thursday and Friday...but who's gonna come?
Perhaps I should get to some shopping. Again. Sighs.
Looked at my imeem stats. Wahoo.

1. 9904 hits, Christmas Party (it's an Audition song btw)
2. 9032 hits, Queen of Dancing (still Audition)
3. 8884 hits, Happy Ending (STILL Audition)
4. 7835 hits, Figure.09 (Holy I thought no one listened to my Linkin Park songs I've uploaded)
5. 7528 hits, Love Story (still still still Audition)

My plan is to be bored and record all those nice songs in o2jam (but using 02mania). And a free trial recorder=.= which can be redownloaded again and again.
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Now playing on iTunes: w-inds. - Beautiful Life
via FoxyTunes

I thought I heard someone say before that love is selfish.
What can I do, so that it's not selfish? What can I do, so that he can get what he wants, and not so what I want?

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Now playing on iTunes: Linkin Park - Pushing Me Away (Live)
via FoxyTunes

Saying too much on blogs suck. It's like I update my blog almost everyday and the number of tags are damn sucky. Put any godamnit sitecounter and pathetic statistics are what you get.
Someone who updates like shit gets zero tags. Someone who never updates gets tons of tags.
I shall stop thinking about whether god is fair or not. After all it's like an excuse to escape from your mistakes, which I always do.
Holy shit I heard a Cantonese version of "Milky Way"?!
I thought I wanted to say something else but I forgot, so wells.

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Now playing on iTunes: Linkin Park - No Roads Left
via FoxyTunes

Jay Chou's “彩虹” is stuck in my head. I just keep having the lyrics going in my head again and again.
The lyrics are just so touching.
Holy cow, was in Orchard the whole day, bought only a cosmetic set that's $21.50 after discount. That's all!
Never knew that my mum would go to Orchard, never knew my dad's so smart that he can miss the school, godamnit I missed my calculus text, HP Tablet PC offer and iPod offer. Damns.
Somehow the Orchard trip made my mum feel better. Phews.
But still.
I want my calculus text!!!!!
Calculus!!!

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Now playing on iTunes: 周杰倫 - 以父之名
via FoxyTunes

I screwed myself up. Totally. Thanks to Track training.
Must I record my mum's scolding or what? But I know, it's hard to explain how insane she is (literally insane).
I stood from 8pm-10pm outside the house! Yay!
Now I'm feeling damn cold, think maybe I got a fever liao.
But does she care?
Yes I am unfilial to my dad, I treat him as my worker, I totally do not see him in my eye, HAPPY?
Like since WHEN can I explain for myself?
Someone, please, anyone who understands me.
Yes I did see him yesterday. Which makes me miss him even more then.
Just because of an untimely godamnit rain I am scolded as if I killed the President or my dad.
She sees the tears obviously, she must be feeling happy. Very happy. That once again I'm crying thanks to her oh-so-nice-and-philosophical scoldings.
Sometimes I'm scared. Literally scared. 3 years ago. Whatever happened. Whatever was diagnosed to my mum. I have all the reason to believe, that she has a relapse. In Primary 5, that was what caused my results to flunk since then. In NUSH, that will be what caused my future to end.
So let's be insane together!
You want that to happen? You want your daughter to become insane?
Oh sure you do. You can even disown me already, what else can't you do to me?

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Now playing on iTunes: 周杰倫 - 彩虹
via FoxyTunes

Argh.
While I'm about to finish editing my ePortfolio thingo...

I can't access it.

I can't freaking access it! Now it looks like crap! Argh.
*bangs wall*
Why must the ePortfolio do this to me?! Why?

*EDIT: Now it's back.


Watched Jay Chou on MTV channel yesterday, he looks damn handsome, I was screaming like hell, managed to persuade my mum to listen to his song "牛仔很忙”, then finally, she says that she likes Jay Chou now. Finally.


So near yet so far.


I never knew there is a dolphin constellation. (:

For food, I'm ice-mocha, and for chemistry I'm CuSO4. For physics I've decided, I'll be Psi-prime meson. Don't ask me why.

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Now playing on iTunes: Linkin Park - Session
via FoxyTunes

The box of chocolates, the chocolate perhaps meant for the loved one, has not been opened ever since god-knows-when.

Seriously, I bought it and I never opened it only because I don't bear to open it. Am I weird or am I weird?

I realised no song is ever emo enough to make me cry. The emotions within are simply not as much as how I feel. The complexity of feelings in me...

If only I could really communicate using telepathy, then I would try my best, try my best to make him feel being loved in anyway. The feeling of being loved, as I realise only recently, is really...different. It's like...a personal possession that you wish no one else would have.

Maybe I was really too selfish then. Too selfish to realise why my mum has been crying so much, thinking so much, till she even go insane. Though I was also suffering partly for the same reason too. And I thought I still blame my mum for remembering him. But now I don't. Now I realise, how painful it is. The pain, of thinking about love. I thought I saw her tears once again, yet I don't have the courage to ask her what happened. Argh.

I should be thankful I did not cry tonight.

*sobs*
Math: Trigonometry! Coordinate geometry! Gah!
Chemistry: Some atomic model shit. Thought it's more like physics. For the model is related to quantum mechanics. Yay.
Physics: Vibrations =o
Biology: Argh and thermodynamics. Oh wow.

Why no astronomy? Why no study of the universe? Why?????
Me want learn about General Relativity. T.T

In library now.
Bored.
Sianned-out.
Reading about General Relativity and Dynamical Systems.
I know I am siao once again, thank you.
Wanted to post something, but thought it was too emo already, decided not to.
Sianzorrz.

心里煎熬，谁知？

I'm dying from all this. I've been too deep into it. What I thought was just me doesn't seem so simple after all.

So, who is it? Who on earth is the me that is me?

Literally sick. Feeling weird, as if I am breathless. Thank you flu, for making me feel perfectly wonderful.

Ok fine I surrender. The track training is actually cancelled. Must be because it's too far away (: The sleep's worth it! Yippee!

I still choose to believe that I do not understand myself. Yay me. I'm gonna have quantum mechanics for breakfast, calculus for lunch, o2jam for dinner, Bohr model for supper (: Yup I know I am crazy, thank you. *bows*

The connection seems to go haywire again. Shit I still need to publish my blog post!

Damn.

The frustrations are back.
If only our distances weren't that far.

Shit. Literally shit.
The training's at 8am at Matritchie (however you spell it) Reservoir and I woke up at 8am exactly.
Shit the consequences of holidays. And my cough. Thank god it's better now.
But still. Gah.

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Now playing on iTunes: Sandro Bisotti - Beethoven - Sonata in C sharp minor Op.27 No.2 ("Moonlight") - 1: Adagio sostenuto
via FoxyTunes

Once I watched a South Park episode which involves characters of the parallel universe. I thought it was just some bull crap, but later on realised that it's actually somehow based on "fact".

I'm wondering if split-personality is just the consequence of "The Many-Worlds Theory". At least it seems plausible. But it's scary. Someone who behaves in totally two different ways at the same time, same instant...is that what the dream is trying to imply? (I once had two completely different dreams in a night...within 4 hours I guess.)

Perhaps it's nice to be a string (in string theory).

Feeling damn depressed.
The fact that I was able to survive all the other school holidays but not this one shows how much I miss him I guess.
To be honest I miss French lessons. I really miss them. They seem to be the only lessons which makes me feel relaxed.
Why there's no more keyboard lessons? Why can't we learn calculus at Year 2? Why I can't even meet someone whom I obviously miss a lot for just once or twice a week?!
Godamn stupid cough made me scolded by my mum. Her that godamn bitchy attitude is like sucky.

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Now playing on iTunes: w-inds. - Milky Way
via FoxyTunes

I do not like titling every single blog post with boredom, which is particularly the state.

• Calculus (I don't care, I am still reading it)
• Quantum mechanics and string theory (I love it)
• Chaos theory
  
• Paper Mario
• o2jam (sadly static these days)
• Blogging (it's damn boring)
• South Park (watching random episodes)

Ok fine so maybe I do have things that amaze me...

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Now playing on iTunes: Linkin Park - Somewhere I Belong
via FoxyTunes

我以为我一直在期盼着什么，没想到这一切，只不过是我一厢情愿罢了。
我苦苦等待，为了什么？到头来，最白痴的那个人，还是我。最无知最天真的那个人，还是我。

什么都不用说，就让这成为结束一切的一切。

Oh my god.
The Track captain sent an email at 1.30am=.= and tell us the training is at Tanglin. At 8am. The time which I woke up. And now I am the only blur one in NUSH (posting from school lar). Waka how can this happen to me? What to do now?

Yes, I must admit, I was awake at 1.30am, but who would expect anyone to send an email at 1.30am?!

(*%*()*^%$#$%^&*()(*^%$#$%^&*&^%$%^&()*%$&%(

*explodes under hydrochloric acid*

Ooh shucks I have to un-restrict my blog again, because I guess people want to read it. Sighs...怎么办呢？ XD

Thanks Tim, for introducing someone who has the same name as me and same blogskin as me >.< And if you manage to see this, hi Joan^^

Never write poems for eons, don't know when to start one. Trying to learn calculus and optics and blah! *runs around desperately once again*

School holidays r the pwnage lar. Managed to make me feel bored like shit for the first time in life. Still did not manage to be academic.

Wo.ots 不能说的秘密 actually got 3 prizes in the Golden Horse whatever!!! Wahoo. 色.戒 is like total pwnage lar, got 7 prizes. But too bad it's NC16...or M18 or whatsoever GAH ><

Sianzorz, Track training again tomorrow=.=. Very the sian. Run run run so much then Mr Tan never come=.=. Teacher-in-charge never come liao still want us to run, siao ar?!

%$&^(*)^(&%&^#$&*_{(_)RE(WQ)$(@!)

Joking joking. I know lar, teachers also need to rest mah.

Now reading this blogpost again...sighs. Too bad we can't really be random, since everything has a probability of happening. Then how to describe the randomness we feel?

I think my eyes are never easily satisfied. Especially with blogskins.
I think I must have used over 40 blogskins by now. I shall try to compile a list next time.
YS, if you see this, leave me a message, stating:

1) Going or not.
2) Meeting at where.
3) Bringing dolphin or not
4) Necessity of laptop

And I pwned Track training on Friday. Yay me.

只要以真心对待，
握在手中的爱情就永远属于你，不会因为任何理由，而从手中逃过。
这，应该就是纯真的爱情吧。

Teehee want to suffocate liao...the feelings I had today are overwhelming. *faints*

无法开口 （苏永康）

如果我知道太多
那关于相遇的错过
奋不顾身的追求能找到什么
如果你等得太久
请相信我不曾经过
想装上翅膀飞到你身后
爱很浓心很空
该怎么停在你心中
只剩长已久的寂寞时间
带不走
爱很多心很痛
究竟有多少次错过
这唯一的承诺深深埋在心中
我却无法开口
相信放在心中愿随时为你保留
真爱在我口袋别让风把它带走
思念不能放开它就像潮水
难以回收
就算相拥一秒种就已足够
如果我知道太多
那关于相遇的错过
奋不顾身的追求能找到什么
如果你等得太久
请相信我不曾经过
想装上翅膀飞到你身后
爱很浓心很空
该怎么停在你心中
只剩长已久的寂寞时间
带不走
爱很多心很痛
究竟有多少次错过
这唯一的承诺深深埋在心中
我却无法开口
相信放在心中愿随时为你保留
真爱在我口袋别让风把它带走
思念不能放开它就像潮水
难以回收
就算相拥一秒种就已足够
爱很浓心很空
该怎么停在你心中
只剩下依旧的寂寞时间
带不走
爱很多心很痛
究竟有多少次错过
这唯一的承诺深深埋在心中
我却无法开口



纯真的爱情......现代的世界还容许纯真的爱情吗？想到他，就让我觉得自己像个傻瓜痴痴的在等待。

Me? Fine? Like since when have I been fine?

Yes, I am retarded, emo, sucker, hyprocrite, whatever you call me. But I AM NOT FINE. To sum it up simply, I am someone with rubbish attitude. That's it, end of story.

Thank you.

唉。
假期一到，原本以为可以松懈心情，没想到心里却很烦。很烦很烦。第一次对着我妈大喊大叫的，感觉很抱歉，却又难耐心中怒火。为什么？为什么我连一通电话都这么在乎呢？

I love assuming things because my mum does.

Yesterday is like some kind of 向左走，向右走。Gah >.<

And my mum, stop forcing me to buy over-sized clothes.

好想哭。
好想好想跟他说“我爱你”，可是总说不出口。不知是因为紧张，害羞，还是什么。但是，那种想说“我爱你”却又一直憋在心里的感觉好苦。

Why is this happening?

You know the god damn it difference of one road? ONE FREAKING ROAD?! Not even street!

*bangs wall*

Audition sucks. o2jam rocks.
I feel random.
I REALLY feel random.
If you are reading this, who are you?
If you are not reading this, I do hope you are.

为何人们总把不能解释的爱情说成是缘分、是宿命、是天意？难道你想说那些不靠天意缘分，而是靠努力拼搏所争取的爱情就是不会开花结果？为什么人们总是那么执迷不悟？

Exactly 8 months have passed, but nothing much was said or done. Guess Viv's scolding did nothing much to him.

有话就直截了当的说，不要到处隐瞒。恨我就说恨我，不要用那种装可怜的眼神来欺骗我!

If I am a retard, YES I AM A GODAMMIT RETARD. Everybody can see that with their own eyes, need you emphasise?

老师说我这下半年已经没有像上半年那样情绪化，但我完全反对。回想那些我曾做过的事，回想那些让我朋友担心的情景，我完全反对老师的话。

到了今天，也许我又觉悟了。

真正心碎的感觉，像我这种伪君子，哪能真正感受？真正让人心痛得痛不欲生的滋味，想念的感觉，我又从何时有过真正领悟？每次说心碎，每次说抱歉，都是我这个伪君子一次又一次的欺骗，欺骗别人和自己！就连现在，我都能感觉到我那一字一句，只不过是要人家注意我，关心我！一次又一次的憎恨自己，讨厌自己，到头来还是回到我伪君子的一面。

我已无选择可言，因为我自己本身就是一个失败。

29th Nov 2007
Woots. Literally woots.
It's nice to know that someone still misses me...>< Thanks.

30th Nov 2007
Wakaka...gah gah gah gah gah >.< >.< >.<

1st Dec 2007
I am sorry Yan Sheng, but you always remind me of my father.

2nd Dec 2007
Godammit I ALWAYS get a flu whenever I go to Malaysia, as if I am allergic to it. Sighs. And I really love myself for sleeping from 3++am to 11am XD.

Current
Omfgwtfbbq I just got connected to the wireless. Finally=.=
And it is really sucky that I am returning tomorrow night, not tonight >:[
Gah >.< I am still addicted to Funeral March.

By post:

1. Moved
2. OBS?
3. 随笔
4. Random Composition
5. Amusement
6. Amusement
7. 记叙文
8. What's the point of everything when it all does no...
9. Random.
10. LOL.

By month:

1. April 2000
2. September 2007
3. October 2007
4. November 2007
5. December 2007
6. January 2008
7. February 2008
8. March 2008
9. April 2008
10. May 2008
11. June 2008
12. July 2008
13. August 2008
14. September 2008
15. October 2008
16. November 2008
17. December 2008
18. January 2009
19. February 2009
20. March 2009
21. April 2009
22. May 2009
23. July 2009
24. August 2009
25. September 2009
26. October 2009
27. November 2009
28. December 2009

Data of type String