Friday, September 12, 2008
Compromise @ 7:30 PM
We were taught, that when you have more than once choices, most of the time you must choose the best answer.

We were taught, that friends are divided into different kinds.

We were taught, that we can imagine, that we can think, we can feel.

I may be indirectly blaming anyone here. But what I have to say, is this.

I always try my best (or at least wanted to) care for those who are concerned about me. I am always thankful for those who are caring for me, who are worried about me, who thinks about me. I always try my best to let them know, I am there for them to scream at, rant at, talk to, etc.

But, no matter how hard I try, I just doesn't get it right.

It may be I don't know how to choose. It may be that I am indecisive. It may be that I am cheating on both sides. It may be that I am hurting both sides.

In class, I have to choose between group A and group B.

Among my friends, I always have to satisfy both Friend A and Friend B.

EVEN IN RELATIONSHIPS, I always have to choose what to do, so that I won't hurt anyone.

But, I end up hurting everyone.

Because, both Group A and Group B are my good friends.

Because, both Friend A and Friend B trust me, and that I treasure both of them.

Because, both of them love me, and I don't want to hurt either one of them, because of me.

But, they always get hurt by my lack of good choice, my indecisiveness, my greediness to get everything from both sides.

And no matter what I do, I do not get even a side right.

And so, I have to balance it out. And so, I have to make sure it's all 50-50. And so, I have to make sure it's fair share for everyone.

And so, I have to make a compromise between two opposites. Two complete opposites.

And so, both sides of the chessboard fight with each other, and I am the river containing both sides.

And, no matter how much I say sorry, it does not help. Some says I shouldn't be saying sorry, others say that apologising does not change the fact that I have hurt them.

Whatever I do, I don't get anything right. However hard I try, I always hurt everyone around me.

Why does it seem like everything is about me?

I am being self-centered. Very.

So why bother being with such a self-centered person?

Yes, I know you all care about me, you all take me as one to be treasure, you all take me as one of yours, you all try to make me happy.

People always tried to convince me that I had tried. But how much have I contributed?

People always tried to convince me that I had done nothing wrong. But how exactly right can I be, when everybody is getting cut by me?

I know saying sorry does not make it all right. Saying sorry does not mean everything goes back to normal.

Whether my sorry is sincere, or for the sake of it, nothing can change back to normal.

But, what else can I do? The more I do, the more I hurt people. Then when I don't do anything, it means that I don't even feel anything, not even the least shameful?

Does that I have not tried hard enough? Then what's with all the convincing?

I have done all that I could, to be there for those all around me. I tried my best, to make sure no one gets hurt. Is that being greedy? Is trying to make peace with everyone being too greedy?

When I ask you what I should do, either you say that I have already tried my best, or that I should not live for others.

Then what to do? Live by myself? And be self-centered? And hurt everyone again?

Wherever this goes to, it ends up by people getting hurt.

So what now?